O Livejournal, thank you for being such a kind distraction when I need one so desperately.

Well, my first semester of college is pretty much over. Seven more and then it is time to start my career. And right now, I really do not know what I want that to be.

Finals started today. Calculus was difficult. I probably should have put some effort into the class during these past fifteen weeks. Oh well. I already had a B in that class, and he drops the lowest grade, so there is no possible way that the final could hurt me. I got a 91% on my Forensics final. That upset me. I think one of the "correct" answers was wrong. I am ending that class with a 91%. Unfortunately, my professor considers that to be a B+.

Tomorrow is my Theology final. I should be studying, but instead I am writing this. Nobody understands anything from the second half of the semester. Tits.

I rearranged most of the furniture in my dorm. The room seems huge now. Until I was going to bed last night, I had not realized that a lot of the furniture is now set up like the furniture in my bedroom at home. Funny, that is.

I always want to write more in here. I always want to put down my thoughts, my feelings. But I never can. I have all the perfect words in my head, but I can never put them out there for other people to see, to judge.

Sorry, Grandma. You'd have been 79.

Caitlin is in the process of moving out. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that I don't get a new roommate next semester. Please, please, please.

Happy birthday, Grandma. You would be seventy-three today. I wish you were still here. I miss you so incredibly much. I love you. Always.

Alright, I'm going to update this baby for real.

I've been tearing my hair out this week over registering for classes. I've had the classes I REALLY REALLY wanted picked out for weeks, but we register by credit hour, so I've just been watching those classes fill up all week. I'm skipping Islamic History tomorrow to register. I'm shooting for: American Pluralism; Iran: Film, Society, and Culture; Theory of Knowledge; Writing Systems of the World; Human Origins; and Intro to Cultural Anthropology.

I'm in the middle of writing a five to eight page forensics essay right now. I really wish I had had a better professor for that class. Then I probably would still be considering going into forensic science.

Islamic History was a let down. The kid in front of me is a know-it-all, the girl behind me challenges the professor on everything he says about Islam, and the assistant who does the grading is a cunt and takes points off for not stating irrelevant or given information.

Calculus is a bitch. The professor does a great job lecturing, but the assignments are nothing like what we do in class. I could do well in that class just showing up for exam prep days.

US History Since 1865 is the best class I have ever taken. Ever. I love Mr. Kelleher, too. He's so knowledgeable and passionate about history. Every day, I go into class, talk to Matt for a few minutes, then once the lecture starts, I look at the clock, and it's already over. Time flies in there and I wish it would last forever. I really love his teaching style. And I actually enjoy writing essays for that class.

Theology is alright. Definitely not my cup of tea. Ironically, though, that's my best class. But that's just because Professor Nicholson is super easy. He's one of my two professors who let us take notes on the computer, so I spend those 75 minutes doing anything but paying strict attention to the lecture.

I'm really excited to come home for Thanksgiving. I don't have Wednesday plans yet. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday, I'm going to Target with Crystal at, like, 4 am for Black Friday sales, then Ray and I are going to Chipotle and New Moon. =D Saturday is D&D, thank God. Then Sunday morning, I'm shippin' back to Chicago.

Next year, Cayley, Katie, Michelle and I are planning on rooming together. And the upperclassmen dorms here are all apartment style. So, it would be Cayley and Katie in one bedroom and Michelle and I in the other. Each bedroom has a full closet, there's a hall closet, a kitchen, a bathroom with a linen closet, and a living room. So nice. I'm really excited.

Change of plans.

I told the RA that I thought it over. And I don't care that all of Caitlin's friends are no our floor. We have a really great room that I don't want to give up, so if she really has that big of an issue, she can move.

 Horoscope:
"The silent treatment doesn't work, and avoidance is just unpractical. Until you face things head-on and are totally honest, you will never achieve the closure you need"

Really? Really?

Well. I'm 99% sure that I am moving out of my dorm this week. Caitlin and I broke our 10 day silence. Apparently, she's been extremely uncomfortable around me since the beginning of the semester. I'm glad she told me this. Three months in. -_-
I offered to leave. I'll really miss the room. It's probably the best room on our floor. Fuck.

 If I work my ass off for the rest of the semester, I'll end with a 3.94. Can you say goal? I can.

Facebook Boy and I are facebook friends now. Now we just need to talk in person.

I'm fairly certain that Caitlin is mad at me. I don't get it. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary at all. It's been nine days since we've spoken.

I'm going to Taco Bell today! For the first time in three months!

 I neglect this journal so much. That needs to stop.

I have about an hour before I leave my dorm for theology. I'm rather proud of myself: I finished my five page essay before one o'clock last night. That's a first. And, the best part is I'm semi-pleased with it.

I keep sleeping through all of my alarms. It's driving me insane. Caitlin, too. If one of us wakes up, the other doesn't. Between the two of us, we've missed four classes this week.

Crystal is coming to visit on Halloween. I am beyond excited! I bought her CTA pass two days ago. We're going to have so much fun.

I think tomorrow I'm going to the Harry Potter party provided by the school. SO excited. I loveeee Half-Blood Prince.

Sometime in the next two weeks I'm taking Michelle to see This Is It for her Christmas present. Caitlin wants to go too, so that should be fun.

I am so lucky that I have such a great roommate. At first, I was super nervous that we wouldn't get along. But we do great together. Or at least I think so. There's always a piece of me nervous that she doesn't like me as much as she acts like she does.

I have a calc test coming up and I don't understand anyyyy of it. Like, I understand how to do everything. But they're word problems. And I don't know how to figure out what they're asking for. =/

I get to schedule my spring classes on November 20 at 9:45 am. I'm really nervous. I hope I get into the classes I want: Intro to Fiction; The Vikings; World Religions; Iran: Society, FIlm, Culture; Human Origins; and Writing Systems of the World. This would also be great, because my earliest classes would be 10:25 and 10:00. And two of them would be once a week at night. So, that's nice. Kinda. Yeah. It is.

I am renouncing my love for Mr. Kment.

Forensics is still a bore. Today, he showed us the clip of Ben Stein's econ class in Ferris Bueller. It took me everything I had not to laugh. I have a B+ in there.
Islamic History is interesting again. I like the Africa unit. I have a B- in there, gah. =( But the tests are so nitpicky.
US History is, by far, my favourite course. I loveee it. And I finally talk to someone in there! And now Mr. Kelleher jokes around with me. All is well. I have a B+ in there. Potentially an A- with participation.
Calculus is a bitch. I haven't done the homework since the first unit since the work is never the same as what we do in class. I have a B, miraculously.
Theology is so freaking boring. Gahhh. I don't pay attention, nor do I do the homework, but I have an A! Woo.

I finished my four year plan the other night. I want to double major a BA in History and a BS in Anthropology, with potentially a minor in Italian. I can also take two years of Arabic and a year of French. =)

I am almost definitely going to Rome next fall. I am SO excited. Michelle is probably going too. So I'd have a good friend there, which would be nice.

I have yet to talk to Facebook Boy. I really want/need to. There are only 7 or so weeks left in the semester, then I might never see him again. *sigh*

Crystal got me hooked to Owl City.

I saw Where the Wild Things Are. It was incredible. Seriously. It's definitely on my list of top ten best movies ever made.

Crystal and Adia are probably visiting in a few weekends. I am beyonddd excited. They're both applying here, too. =)

Over Thanksgiving, we're playing D&D. Tyler and Bud are cooking for us, yum. I miss D&D so much. It's kinda ridiculous. I mean, hell, you'd think I'd find a group at college. But no.

I still need a job. Rawr.

My hair doesn't grow quickly enough, either. -_-

I have a really hard time updating anymore.
I rarely do MySpace surveys anymore, either.
And I don't really talk to much of anyone beside Josh, Ray, and Crystal.
And Frau Elkouri.

I never update anymore. I never have anything to say anymore.

My midterms started this week, even though next week is "Midterm Week."
I'm fairly certain that I got an A on my Theology exam. It was far easier than I was expecting. I took my US History exam today. That was also easier than I expected. Not really. I was just prepared. I'm certain that I got an A on that. I don't have a math exam. Forensics is on blackboard next week, and I don't have to go to class those days. Islamic History is next Friday. I need to study up for that one.
As far as grades go, it's looking like an A in Calc, an A in Theo, an A or B in US History, a B in Islamic History, and an A in Forensics. Take that, statistics that say college freshman get a full point lower GPA their first semester than they graduated high school with.
Theology is boring. It's better now that I talk to Christy and Jacqueline more. And now that I bring my laptop to class. Islamic History is interesting, but I don't like how he structures the quizzes. US History is, by far, my favourite. Mr. Kelleher is such a great teacher! I wish he taught one of the history courses I want to take next semester. Forensics is a boreee. I've bitched about it more than necessary in the past, though. Calculus is easy in the classroom, but the homework is always so different from what we do in class. I'm hoping I do as well on the next exam as I did on the first one. I'm hoping that I get As on all the exams so I can skip the final, since he drops the lowest exam grade.

I might be studying abroad at Loyola's Rome campus next year. That would be an incredible experience.

Next semester, I want to take Italian 101, Evolution of Western Ideas and Institutions to the 17th Century, Modern Western Civilization: The Humanities in Context, Beginner's Piano, and two more that I haven't decided on yet.

I'm going home tomorrow! I am super excited. Michelle's coming with me. Tomorrow night we're going to Telway with Ray. We're seeing Crystal on Sunday. Monday, I'm going up to Mott. Fun stuff.

I'm going to Western on the 17th. Crisco, Mike, and Nikki are going too. That should be fun. I miss them all.

Blahh. It's 7:16 and I am awake. My first class is at 10. =( I am awake because my roommate begged me to go to breakfast with her. She has now decided she'd rather sleep.

I don't want to share my feelings on LiveJournal, online.
They are mine, my own, and I feel foolish when I think of others reading my thoughts.
I've been trying to update for a while now but can't bear to write anything of substance.

So, here's something more superficial.

I've become a Twilight fan.
I'm unhappy.
I don't feel alive, like a real person.
I can't wait to come home for fall break.
I miss my friends.
I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore.
I really love Muse.
And Two Steps From Hell.
School's alright.
I'm out of books to read.
That is, until I buy Breaking Dawn on Thursday.
I miss my long hair.
I wish I was eighteen.
I need a job.
I'm afraid of falling in love.

Hullo there, LiveJournal. I've neglected you recently.

This weekend has been beyondddd boring. I've watched Click twice, Legally Blonde 1&2, Degrassi, Drop Dead Diva, Spin City, Hook, and Planet Earth. And I've played a few hours of WoW. Like I said, boring weekend.

Classes are alright. I'm not in love with any of them. I do nothing but doodle in Forensics. =( Sad. I really wish I had chosen Arabic 101 instead.

I miss my friends at home. A lot. I'm coming home the first weekend of October. Michelle's coming too. We're going to see Josh for a bit, since the Megabus drops us off in Ann Arbor. We might go to the zoo one day, too. I'm excited. I wish we could see Crisco and Brandon, though.

Hello, dear friend. Oh, how I have neglected you this week.
Let's see. What has happened?
Classes have started. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have Survey of Islamic History at 9:20, Elements of Calculus 1 at 10:25, Intro to Forensics at 11:30, and US Since 1865 at 1:40. I really enjoy my Islamic History course. My math professor is really good. It's still early, but I dislike my forensics class so far. The teacher doesn't shut up about himself. Ugh. And he calls me Carrie Ann. I don't get it. My US History teacher is a super super liberal. And he smells funny. And loves LBJ. Once again, I don't get it. So far we've done Reconstruction, which happens to be one of my least favourite parts of US history. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have my Theology of Faith class at 10. So far, it looks like it's just going to be a bunch of different angles on religion. Blah. I also have my University class on Tuesday at 1. It's so dumb. But Jessica's in there, so that's cool.
I guess I suck at the whole being social thing. Michelle, Cayley, and Caitlin are my only friends. Which kinda blows. All three of them are leaving Labor Day weekend. Ugh.
I'm procrastinating my homework right now. My math is giving me trouble. I wish my Calc professor had office hours on Tuesday and Thursday, considering those are the days that I pretty much have nothing to do on. But no. And I really don't want to read thirty-five pages on Industrialization right now. I also have to read a chapter from Golden Age of Islam. And I need to re-read Antigone by Tuesday morning.
My floors companions, Abby and Ryan (Ryan is a babe), came around door to door today. I think I'm going to go and help out at a soup kitchen tomorrow.
I'm sick of the rain.

I cannot even count the number of times I have been to Chicago, yet today was the first time my family looked around the city. And really, we probably wouldn't have if I hadn't wanted a Jamba Juice. We got day passes for the public transportation and hit up downtown. Millenium Park is very nice.
My roommate, Caitlin, doesn't move in until the morning. That means I'm alone. For the first time. I'm really enjoying it. However, I was extremely uncomfortable unpacking my stuff. She said the only preference she had was that she gets the bottom bunk. Check. Deal. I made up the top. But by setting up this desk and putting away my clothes, I just feel inconsiderate.

All day, I have been going over in my mind things that I would like to say, feelings I would like to write. And now that I am sitting at my computer, now that I am on the post an entry page, I cannot do it.
This is the same struggle that I have been unable to defeat throughout my entire life. I have always had issues with explaining how I feel.

In general, I dislike people. And quite frankly, this whole new college thing is terrifying me. I don't want to make friends with people. But I have to.

Well, I am sitting in my grandmother's living room. This is probably going to be the last time that I'm here with my entire family. Household, I should say.
Allyson is next to me, reading Eat This Not That: Supermarket Edition. Out loud. At me, not to me. Wait, no. She just answered the phone. It's my dad and grandma. They are picking up some Mandarin food and mulch and need to know what we all would like.
I have no appetite. I feel rather empty. And I don't want to fill that void with food.
My mom is sitting in a chair across the coffee table, against a wall full of photographs and paintings. Photographs of the great grandchild, Lucas, now dominate the room. There are thirteen photos of him in this room.
Chris, my favourite uncle, is also here. He's in my grandfather's chair, which goes largely unsat in. My grandfather died years ago, when I was in the fifth grade. Sadly, I didn't feel anything then, nor do I now. I was never close to him.
Chris and my mom are talking about Mrs. Miller having Bashat's Disease. Chris is a doctor. I admire him so much. He's really awkward. He doesn't handle social situations well, he's sarcastic, he's harsh. However, he is a hardcore Republican. Now, I am a Republican, but I'm not hardcore. I'm socially moderate and fiscally conservative. But Chris, Chris is far right all the way.
Racism and close-mindedness seem to run rampant in my family. I do not understand it. I cannot stand it. I grit my teeth and cringe each and every time I hear a remark about any ethnic group. Chris is trying to understand why on Earth I chose Survey of Islamic History as one of my courses. My parents do not understand how I am so interested in the Middle East, nor do they understand why I defend it and it's people. Nor are they willing to understand.

This weekend truly has been incredible. It has been an eye-opening experience.
I've been trying to come to terms with a lot of issues I have with myself and my life. I've had a few successes. I've had a few failures.
I have accepted the fact that I am not going to keep most of my friends. I'm not sure who I'm going to end up close to and who I won't, but I have a few fair guesses. None of which I will list on here. I thought I would be sad about it, but I'm not. In fact, a part of me looks forward to losing them. That part of me also wants to completely forsake the relationships I do not feel confident in, wants to tell those people how I feel. But I won't. It wouldn't be right.
I fear a great many things, some of which are ridiculous, others of which are reasonable. I need to start facing my fears. I need to get over my fears. At Josh's birthday party, I tried climbing the rock wall. I couldn't make it all the way up. I can't fairly judge how far I got, seeing as I was not on the ground. I came back down. I attempted to face my fear of heights and failed.

Chris just suggested I become a writer. I have no talent as a writer. I can never find the proper words to use, I can never find the proper way to express myself.
I used to talk to people. I used to confide in Crisco. Brittany was my best friend. Josh was the one person I felt comfortable baring my soul to. And I lost that. I don't know how, or why, but I lost that. Although Crisco and I are closer now than we ever were before, I don't feel as if I can talk to him. As if I can tell him anything. Not out of lack of trust, but because of his clear lack of interest. I don't blame him, really. Brittany was always somewhat difficult to talk to, but I could talk to her. We haven't spoken in years, though. And Josh, Josh and I fell apart. We went our own ways for a while, but we're finally friends again. Since the moment we started talking again, the moment I started feeling as if we might become friends again, I have had the desire to turn to Josh with all of my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts. Everything. But, until this weekend, I have declined to do such.

I've also been having difficulties with my beliefs lately. Love, mostly. Pathetically, really.
I don't know whether I believe in it or not. I've been struggling to decide this for a while. I use the word often. On a daily basis, in fact. But I don't know whether I believe it exists. After all, it's just an emotion. It's a word used so the general population will understand how someone feels. But it also forces the general population to seek out feelings and emotions. I've felt as if I were in love in the past, but looking back, I don't really know. I want to say no, I don't believe in love, I just gave a popularly accepted title to strong feelings I've felt. But then that conflicts with my desire to belief that you can only have one true love. Yet that conflicts with my refusal to believe in fairy tale notions. Love is a fairy tale notion.
And, as much as I want to reject love, I feel it. I love my family. I love my friends. And, for the past many months, eight or nine, I'm not quite sure, I feel as if I've been falling. Into what? I don't know. My heart says it's love. But my mind refuses to believe in love.
That, essentially, sums up my life. A battle between heart and mind.

This was one of the best weekends of my life.

Today I hung out with Karissa. I picked her up from Devon's around one. We went to Lakeside and walked around a bit. We got bored and went out to Chili's. Lmao. I'm a dumbass. Our waitress asked if we were ready. I said "Yes. Wait, no, I didn't mean that. We're not ready." She wouldn't look at me the rest of the day. Hah. The food was good. We stopped by Karissa's house, but Nathan had locked the screen door. I dropped her off at Mike's. Blah.

Marshall and Brandon came over at six. We were watching some AVGN when Mike joined us. Crystal and Crisco got here then we went to American Pie. The food was mediocre. Brandon and Mike loved the chocolate chip cookie pizza. Nasty. We left and went to Nelson Park. Crystal got picked up. Mike, Brandon, and Marshall played frisbee then we all went on the little nature walk. Mike and Crisco left. I went home and Alyse was there. Brandon and Marshall rejoined us. We played Mario Party 8. Confusion. Brandon won. Wtf. We went outside for a bit then watched American Psycho. I'm going to miss them all so much.

Tomorrow I'm going to pack some more. I started today. So far, I have my school books, living essentials, movies, and vitamins packed, along with socks and underwear. Blah blah.

Mike, Josh, Crisco, Ray, Frank, Katie, Liz, and James are coming over tomorrow. Mike, Josh, Crisco, and Frank are definitely staying the night. I don't know about Ray, Katie, Liz, and James. I'm excited to see them all, but sad to say goodbye to them all.

Lord knows it would be the first time.

Busy busy busy. I hate this.

Today I had a dentist appointment. Blah. At ten, I'm going to GameStop with Brandon. Then we're playing Tyler's campaign at D&D tonight. We haven't played in forever.

Tomorrow my family is going up to Stony Creek. I want to rent a kayak.

Saturday I'm hanging out with Brandon, Alyse, Erica, and hopefully Marshall. Hopefully I can hang out with Karissa that morning.

Sunday I'm having Mike, Josh, Crisco, Liz, James, Ray, Frank, and Mike Lang over.

Monday I'm packing.

We're leaving around ten in the morning on Tuesday. Wow.

Yesterday I hung out with Crystal. We got sushi then went to Crisco's. We all went to the Verizon store, then took Crystal home and got cards for Josh. We headed up to Joe Dumar's for his party. Josh, Mike, Pat, Austin, James, Liz, Courtney, and Ashley were there playing mini-golf. Crisco ended up on the girl+James team and I ended up on the boys team. We played three rounds of laser tag. Intense. Then Mike, Pat, and Ashley did the ropes course. Austin, Crisco, and I did the rock wall. I suck and didn't finish. There wasn't really anything to do after that, so everyone left.

I'm sick of being afraid of everything.