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15 September 2010 @ 01:23 am
I have a really big girl crush right now.
I want to be her best friend.
Then when she realizes she likes girls we can be together forever.
16 May 2010 @ 05:36 pm
Summer is here.
I need a job.
I am eighteen finally.
I am still deciding which tattoo to get.
I am restless.
14 March 2010 @ 04:28 am
I feel more secure writing on livejournal now that it's pretty much dead.

I don't have fun. That's one of my biggest problems. I'm too afraid of everything in the world to just sit back and enjoy myself. All of life is either planned or feared. I don't leave things to chance and when it comes down to 'fight or flight,' I usually choose flight.

My family loves me and I love them. But I don't think they really know who I am. I am so used to them wanting me to do better than they did, to be successful, to follow my dreams. And those are all things I want, as well. But whenever I express interest in something, nobody cares. My mom thinks I exhibit overly violent and pre-homicidal tendencies and my dad thinks I'm boring. I always favoured my dad over my mom because I was always under the impression that we could have intelligent conversations. That was until he stopped a conversation while we were driving, once, to call my mom because he was bored. My mom is disgusted, appalled, horrified, by my fascination and interest in anything violent. Ted Bundy, Dexter, Sylar from Heroes, even Disney villains. She spent the entirety of her time as a mother trying to protect me, as well as Allyson, from the big, scary, dangerous world. Well, thank you mom. I am obnoxiously cautious and afraid of pretty much anything.

Mom and Dad, I don't know whether I'm happy or upset with the way you let my childhood play out. I'm not sure whether I'm upset that I didn't get to have real friends, that you let them keep me in speech therapy, that you didn't fight for the financial aide to pay for me to go to Cranbrook or Country Day, or that you didn't press the school to move me up a grade sooner. You let me exist with the cruelty and hatred that you so desired to protect me from. I sprained my wrist and broke my nose at recess. I didn't have a real friend until the fourth grade. I was the smart kid who nobody liked. I was picked on mercilessly for it. I never told you. And you never asked. I got perfect grades and learned everything. You never talked to me about it. You let me lock myself away in my own little world, already creating high and impossible goals for myself. I wanted some sort of commentary from you guys. I wanted to know that it was okay, that I was okay.

You told me that I was gifted, that I was special. But you never made me feel that way. Special and gifted got me into trouble. I, who only spoke in school when answering questions. In the second grade, David Antior was throwing nachos at me at lunch and we both got in trouble. What did I do to provoke this? I was reading. We were both put on the stage at lunch for two days. I vomited and cried the first day, and the principal told me to cut the theatrics, I was guilty. The second day, I convinced Ms. Schmidt that I was sick and had to go home, just so you wouldn't find out. You still don't know. Last year, after I graduated from fucking high school, you finally confronted me about a story I had written in the second grade and turned in about dinosaurs eating a bunch of kids from my class. It took nine years to ask?

I tell you what I want to do with my life, and you shoot it down. For five years, I wanted to be a history teacher. No, no, you said. I was better than that. Why would I waste my life being a teacher, when I was capable of so much more? I entertained the idea of one day running for President, but that didn't receive your approval either. Foreign Service Officer? No. "Why would you want to go to a shit-hole country in the middle east?" Because it interests me, that's why. Dad says I wouldn't stand a chance applying to med school and mom thinks going into evolution/genetics would be too boring for me. What do you suggest instead? Museum curation. And now that that's my plan, it's not good enough either. What is good enough? When will I be good enough? Never. You guys have let me fuck myself over so bad that I will never be able to set myself reasonable goals.

I don't need to hear that I'm special, that I'm gifted. I just need to hear that you approve of who I am becoming. But you don't.
18 February 2010 @ 11:34 pm
Man oh man.
I used to update this alll the time, but now I update it once every few weeks at best.

I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I've become a bigggg Star Trek fan. I'm not worthy of calling myself a Trekker yet, though.

I cut my bangs and I don't like them.

I have an interview with the Phonathon on Sunday. I fucking need this job.

I reallyyyy want to see A Day To Remember on April 19. I hope Frankie will go with me.

I've been digging science a lot lately.

Classes are meh.

Cultural Anthro: Kill me. Please. Torture would be preferable. I would enjoy it much more than I enjoy that class. I'm only taking it because 1) if I decide to take a second major in anthro (which I think I am), then it's a requirement, and 2) if I decide not to, then it fulfills part of my societal core requirement.

Christianity Through Time: Again, kill me. I feel like everything we've done so far was stuff I did in Theology of Faith last semester. At least this is my last theology class. Ever. And I have Michelle and Erin in there, so that's nice. Plus, I spend 75 minutes doing anything and everything except for paying attention, yet I still got an A on the first quiz. So, I think I'm good.

Writing Systems of the World: I took this because 1) it sounded interesting, and 2) I wanted to take a higher level anthro class to see more of it than just 101 and 102 before deciding. However, this class is pretty much a blow-off. It's once a week, so attendance is mandatory. But the homework is credit or no credit based on whether it's done or not. The classes are easy, but insanely long. I'm the only student in there who didn't jizz when we went over Japanese kanji and katakana. One class session is going to be us doing Japanese calligraphy, another is a scavenger hunt at the museum, and the last day of class is paper making. Boring. I'm worried about my term paper, though. I really want to do it on the Voynich Manuscript, but I don't think I can write ten pages on it using only academically acclaimed sources.

American Pluralism: This is definitely one of my favourite courses. Plus, the professor is really attractive. And funny. And has Jerry Seinfeld's voice, lol. He just gave us the midterm review and I'm shitting myself. I guess I should have done the readings. Oh well. I know what I'll be doing this weekend. For the group project, I'm working with Maddy, Zaid, and Imtiaz. We're doing The Evolution of Film and Music. I'm focusing on music in film, so that's exciting. Our presentation is going to kick major ass.

Evolution and Genetics: Long, long, long. The professor is upbeat, at least. I'm the only freshman in that class, yet I feel like the know-it-all, which is weird. Especially since I always struggled with science in high school. I really, really, really like this class, though. I just wish it wasn't from 7-9:30.

Human Origins: This is my favourite class. I have absolutely fallen in love with biological anthropology. It's one of those classes where you sit down, then the first time you look at the clock you realize that there are only five minutes remaining. I wish it was longer and more frequent.

I decided to stop eating meat for the duration of February.
I like it.
After February, I think I'm going to limit myself to meat a few times a week.
Current Music: La Roux - I'm Not Your Toy
30 January 2010 @ 07:55 pm
Cayley's not going to Loyola next year and that's really bumming me out.

I really love this semester.

Human Origins is my favourite class. And I have a total girl crush on my professor.

American Pluralism is great. The professor is young and funny and super attractive, too, so that's a plus. For our project, I'm working with Maddy Fuller and these two other guys, and we're doing Evolution of American Music and Film since the 20th Century. I'm really excited.

Christianity Through Time is boring. The professor isn't as attractive as the internet said he was. Erin and Michelle are in that class, so that's fun.

I greatly dislike Intro to Cultural Anthropology. The kid who sits next to me licks the palms of his hands and it's really disgusting and awkward.

Writing Systems of the World is up and down. On one hand, it's fun. On the other, I dislike it for not being serious.

Evolution and Genetics is pretty cool. I've only had it once so far, but I liked the first class.

Kyle is in town visiting Michelle, so Cayley and Katie stayed the night in my dorm last night. They probably will again tonight. Kyle seems nice/fun.

I keep trying to dye my hair back to brown, but my hair isn't taking the dye.

Michelle, Katie, and I are living together next year. I'm going to miss Cayley.

I had a job interview on Thursday. It was for a FWS job on campus as a telecounselor. I REALLY hope I get it.
Current Music: The Kinks
14 January 2010 @ 12:27 pm
I've been working lately. I'm not sure how I feel about Brook. She's nice to talk to, but she messes up a lot and I feel like she looks down on me. I love working with Erica again. Three friend's of Vicki's daughter died in a car crash the other day.

Ray and I saw Where the Wild Things Are the other night and got Taco Bell. The movie was a you can only watch once kind of movie.

I visited Mott again on Tuesday, since it was my day off. I spent most of my time with Carp. I can't believe I ever disliked him. He's adorable. Mr. Kment came in for a little while. I went and spent a little time in Frau Elkouri's room then visited Mr. French. He's fun. I went and spent the end of third hour in Mr. Kment's room. His student teacher is weird. I took Crystal to visit Mr. Marzolf during fourth hour/lunch. He's not attractive. I don't get what everyone's on about. Crystal and I hung out after school that day. We went to the mall then went driving.
Brandon called me out on having no self-esteem and he's right.
I feel like I'm just a shell of a person, like I'm not really there.

I crave emotional and physical closeness to other people. I feel so lonely and unable to connect with other people all the time.

I don't really talk to anyone anymore, either. I miss people.

I'm really confused about what I want to do with my life. Like, insanely unsure. The things I'd like to do: museum curator, college professor, writer, politician, ob/gyn, family practitioner, and foreign service officer. Right now I'm a history major, and I'm planning to take a second major in the science track of anthropology and a minor in French. If I got permission to take extra courses, I could also be pre-med. I'm just so confused.
Current Music: I Have A Dream - ABBA
08 January 2010 @ 10:27 pm
Madalyn, I'm borrowing this. I read yours and thought it was really interesting.

1. What did you dream about last night?
I can't recall.

2. Do you record your dreams in your blog or a journal?
No. The closest I get is telling a few close friends about them. I think I posted three dreams in my livejournal once, though. Oh, I did. One of them was the terrifying one about McKenna.

3. Do you think dreams are messages our bodies are trying to tell us? If so, are you real big on trying to interpret all the details?
I think dreams are messages the universe is trying to tell us. If it's a dream that I don't understand why it occurred, then I'll look up what the symbolism could mean.

4. Do you remember your first nightmare?
The earliest nightmare I can remember is of me playing with this little plastic figurine of Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and it still smelled like cake, so this polar bear was chasing me around the circle on the ground floor of my house that only exists when the sliding door is open and the dog gate is down. And I kept running and running and the more I ran, the colder my house got and the more it started looking like the arctic. And it was so terrifying.

5. Have you ever had a recurring dream? If you did, what was it and what do you think it meant?
I often have nightmares that involve me finding mangled and massacred loved ones every time I move.
01 January 2010 @ 12:02 am
1. Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut
2. 1984 by George Orwell
3. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
4. God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater by Kurt Vonnegut
5. Animal Farm by George Orwell
6. Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Maguire
7. Jo's Boys by Louisa May Alcott
8. Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut
9. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
10. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
11. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
12. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
13. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.
14. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
15. Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane
31 December 2009 @ 01:57 pm
I need to get working on my 101 list.
I need to put Mike's Christmas present together.
I need to figure out what I want to do with my life.